Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
