I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
