I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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