I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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