saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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