No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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