My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
