It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
