Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
