So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
