wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The air was thick with penises
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
