I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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