if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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