Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
