I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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