so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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