Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
