$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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