grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
