drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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