Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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