I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
