I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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