i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
