I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
