(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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