Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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