people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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