I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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