i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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