the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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