It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
