Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
