i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
