shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
