OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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