Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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