I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They took my balls.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
