I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
