I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
