You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
