I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
