9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
