So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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