I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
