it's like her boobs came off with her bra
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
