I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
