This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
