Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
