We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
